I have spent my life till now wondering about love and only love. To be specific, I wondered and craved for being loved by someone, for whom I’ll be a gem to treasure and may be that is why I am feeling this way today.
I was confronted with myself today, the things that I have been doing for past 6yrs. And nobody ever told it to my face, but someone today did. I have been toxic as hell to these people, and especially him.
I knew I wasn’t doing right; my gut knew that I was hurting him and still, I kept behaving the same way. Screaming out loud abusing and using harsh words, cursing every now and then whenever I sensed a little heat in the moment.
I have been out of my self-control, that I don’t even recognize myself anymore. The girl, once I was, its hard to believe that once upon a time that girl was me. She was carefree yet cared about other, she learned to not give a fck about what others presumed of her and learned to shine her stronger self through it.
The girl who loved anyone or everyone whoever showed her a little gesture of kindness or generosity, she forgave even her enemies and those who hurt her. But I think I know why she and I are not the same person anymore.
The woman writing this article is sitting in her room in her blanket fighting with covid and she knows the most difficult fight has already begun with herself. Am I incapable of love?
The answers are all in her head, the man, he is trying to push my limits, he has been doing so for too long, he wants me to become vulnerable for him and keep nothing above but this relationship.
The fact is she came to him and embraced him with all her heart and her vulnerability, she was a girl who never doubted the man’s commitment and was ever ready to give up on anything for him. She started to adore him so much that she always tried her best to do littlest of things for him just because it made him happy and he smiled. Anyone could see the light in his eyes and his face how it lit up in happiness. I just loved that. I never wanted to impress him but I did whatever came to my mind, as a fangirl would do around her favorite star.
I wish these things stayed the same, but it didn’t. I can’t put my finger to it, what could be the exact reason that we have changed so drastically.
We promised each other to grow together and learn and evolve, but we fell deeper in the dark and one by one we pushed each other down the hole when the other tried to reach towards the surface.
I never wanted us to end like this, I know I am at fault here and I do not deserve any more of you. I know it all, that I have hurt you and broken you to the spines. I wish everyday if I could do anything and undo the mistakes of our past. But that’s not possible. All I am left with is just the regrets and sadness that I am going through from a very long time.
You think that I always thought about me and my feelings, yes, I did think about me and my feelings but you were always a part of it, a major part of it.
I wanted to be with you more than anything on this Earth, from Day 01 till today, but still I pushed you kept you away because even if you don’t tell me that you were doing okay and your routine was back to alignment, I always knew it.
I knew it even before you confronted it to me, and that’s the reason why I was pulling myself away from you because I know, I am not the person God has chosen for you. The day she arrives in your life, it will be magical, until then try and understand, that the first person you fall in love with don’t settle for them, because they might not be your last.
God has something else planned for you, someone even prettier and she’ll love you, respect you and will give you all the happiness I couldn’t. And this is one of my regrets that I am going to live with for rest of my life.
I tried my best to love but I think even if I try my best and harder, it’ll be ruined by me anyways.
Jan. 23, 2022