A better place!

Life is choices.

One can be good influence or bad if he/she/they choose to.

The choice of good or bad, spreading love or hate, the choice to make someone happy or sad, to support or be mean, etc.

The life is full of choices we make every day based on our instincts but if we observe more, we’ll see that we are the ones ruling over choices that we make not vice versa, unless there’s this choice of life or death.

The choice of life or death seems inevitable but if you observe closely, we can at least choose not to kill someone out of rage or anything as such.

I can analyze myself to make better choices but it is you who will have to choose what’s best for you in a way that later on you won’t regret making those choices for yourselves.

Love is also a choice, unless you fake it, to gain the benefits of being loved by someone without genuine intentions of being the real person and not fool others; spoiling their beliefs for the lifetime.

Hoping that we will make this world a better and a safer place to sustain our innocent beliefs in love and spirituality without demeaning and putting down others.

Peace out!

– Amla (@amla14x)

Invisible or hidden?

There’s so much that we talk about. About lives and uncertainities, love and despair, but lesser we talk about the thoughts we hide beneath the pain.

We as human beings have learnt to become more defensive than we should’ve learnt to be more humane in nature and vulnerable. This is all interlinked.

If we look around, the people need love, care, attention and respect, and those who need it hide their vulnerable self the best.

Humanity isn’t just about kindness, it’s about giving the other person the safe space to be themselves. The acceptance that they deserve so that they wouldn’t be scared and make wrong choices. The choice to lie and defy, to be rude for no reason and arrogant out of all.

As the plants go outwards, spreading their branches opening themselves freely into the sky; we are meant to grow outwardly but due to the unstability and terrible things people do to each other makes us grow and learn, but the direction changes, the aim deviates from evolving to inward growth.

We start hiding ourselves from any kind of exposure we may get. And that makes our healing from aches and terrible things even more difficult.

strong alone

If I say that I am strong alone, it’d be just a lie. Because I have friends and family who care about me and my growth.

Some of them are so good at expressing their affection and support whereas there are friends and family who are not so good at it but still, they make sure I have what I need.

So, if I say that I am better on my own and I don’t need anyone, then it’s somewhat of disrespect to them. The people who are always there for us deserve the praise and credits for their efforts no matter how minimal it is.

Also, there are days when you must feel like you’re self-sufficient and you’re all that you need. It’s true but I think being strong and that too, alone, is just a myth.

Human civilizations have been evolving since ages, our species have grown so much along with the other animal species; from preys to predators, from being hunters to being codependent and living together.

But yes, feeling alone and empty is not a myth at all. It is just inevitable. At some point of our lives we feel helpless and worried of how might we survive this darkness, or even if we want to scream out to the surface as we drown deeper. It feels almost impossible.

There are people who admire you, your work, or some of them even want to become like you, who love how passionate you are with things that you love to do. They might express or may be not. But know this, life is too short to make this hard for yourself and force your soul to let the loneliness crumble your heart and dreams.

I want to keep writing about this with whatever I have, but keeping some things to myself ’til we meet next.

Happy Reading!

xoxo ❤

What have I become?

It’s been difficult lately, to breathe, to sleep to think of him or to even feel free.

I have been questionable to most of the people.

I don’t seem to have put everything composed and decorated amidst the words. Because when I try to write something, it always comes out in despair, the only thing that can be read or heard is, ‘pain’ and I wonder when have I got so hurt.

Today I saw a video on Instagram, where the concept was how often we gaslight ourselves. I never thought about it until I actually went through the caption.

Is it actually gaslighting or just we are not sure of what we are going through, because at an average, every single human being questions their own existence once in a while and haven’t our minds are made to wonder and be curious about things we are not sure of?

Some of you might be thinking that I need to introduce myself better to this concept of gaslighting first. Anyways, maybe I will end up reading a book about it or who knows I might become a therapist myself, :p just kidding.

Well my main agenda was to write about something I have been going through because I feel like my misery can be contagious for my loved ones if I told them.

Maybe I am still not completely ready to talk about it or it can be my fear of being judged wrong or something that might trigger me even more.

Have I ever known how to love or I am just incapable of it?

I have spent my life till now wondering about love and only love. To be specific, I wondered and craved for being loved by someone, for whom I’ll be a gem to treasure and may be that is why I am feeling this way today.

I was confronted with myself today, the things that I have been doing for past 6yrs. And nobody ever told it to my face, but someone today did. I have been toxic as hell to these people, and especially him.

I knew I wasn’t doing right; my gut knew that I was hurting him and still, I kept behaving the same way. Screaming out loud abusing and using harsh words, cursing every now and then whenever I sensed a little heat in the moment.

I have been out of my self-control, that I don’t even recognize myself anymore. The girl, once I was, its hard to believe that once upon a time that girl was me. She was carefree yet cared about other, she learned to not give a fck about what others presumed of her and learned to shine her stronger self through it.

The girl who loved anyone or everyone whoever showed her a little gesture of kindness or generosity, she forgave even her enemies and those who hurt her. But I think I know why she and I are not the same person anymore.

The woman writing this article is sitting in her room in her blanket fighting with covid and she knows the most difficult fight has already begun with herself. Am I incapable of love?

The answers are all in her head, the man, he is trying to push my limits, he has been doing so for too long, he wants me to become vulnerable for him and keep nothing above but this relationship.

The fact is she came to him and embraced him with all her heart and her vulnerability, she was a girl who never doubted the man’s commitment and was ever ready to give up on anything for him. She started to adore him so much that she always tried her best to do littlest of things for him just because it made him happy and he smiled. Anyone could see the light in his eyes and his face how it lit up in happiness. I just loved that. I never wanted to impress him but I did whatever came to my mind, as a fangirl would do around her favorite star.

I wish these things stayed the same, but it didn’t. I can’t put my finger to it, what could be the exact reason that we have changed so drastically.

We promised each other to grow together and learn and evolve, but we fell deeper in the dark and one by one we pushed each other down the hole when the other tried to reach towards the surface.

I never wanted us to end like this, I know I am at fault here and I do not deserve any more of you. I know it all, that I have hurt you and broken you to the spines. I wish everyday if I could do anything and undo the mistakes of our past. But that’s not possible. All I am left with is just the regrets and sadness that I am going through from a very long time.

You think that I always thought about me and my feelings, yes, I did think about me and my feelings but you were always a part of it, a major part of it.

I wanted to be with you more than anything on this Earth, from Day 01 till today, but still I pushed you kept you away because even if you don’t tell me that you were doing okay and your routine was back to alignment, I always knew it.

I knew it even before you confronted it to me, and that’s the reason why I was pulling myself away from you because I know, I am not the person God has chosen for you. The day she arrives in your life, it will be magical, until then try and understand, that the first person you fall in love with don’t settle for them, because they might not be your last.

God has something else planned for you, someone even prettier and she’ll love you, respect you and will give you all the happiness I couldn’t.  And this is one of my regrets that I am going to live with for rest of my life.

I tried my best to love but I think even if I try my best and harder, it’ll be ruined by me anyways.

Jan. 23, 2022

Grieving my existence and living my death.

I have been living this life given to me in a very odd way, never had anything lacking still felt this hollow since I got a hold of my senses.

I would be lying if I said that I am very happy of whatever I have and whatever I am blessed with because no matter what I feel more like a greedy person, craving for more love, care and even more attention from those who I get attached to.

I have been low and depressed for more than 2 years now, and now the episodes are so frequent that it’s getting out of my hand.

Last night I went all by myself to the hospital after waiting for the whole day for my family to take me there, but anyways, I went there, waited for the Lab assistant to take my nasal swab sample and told me to wait, even though doctor told me that result would anyhow come positive but I didn’t believe him.

The assistant came along with an antigen test kit and I saw this lengthy 15cm approx. long swab, but it felt like 30 to be very honest, I didn’t know I had to be scared or panic. I wasn’t scared at all and I held my chin up and didn’t move my body, not even blinked or clenched my fist onto anything.

But as soon as he put it inside my left nostril, and kept pushing and rubbing the swab on inner skin of whatever that part of my head is called as, the pain OMG, it was like someone just gave me a brain hemorrhage in real while I’m awake. Like my eyes and sinuses were pulled out at once. When the assistant was beginning with the sample collection I remember he asked me what my name is, and I was like dude why you’re asking me that as if you’ll remember to put it correctly on the papers, as they always get my name anything but Amla.

But later on when the pain hit and after the swab was pulled out my eyes filled in tears and turned red, I was able hold my together but the pain was like I broke my nose or something. After that for an hour the normal transparent mucus kept running through my left nostril to keep the pathway safe, because the swab made it dry all the way and the body was already fighting to survive even the littlest of invasions.

I wasn’t scared during the test but I wish and hoped if I had someone to hold my hand at that time, but unfortunately nobody was there. I missed my Nani, more than ever. There’s whole bunch of feelings that I am not ready to put it out yet.

20 minutes later or so, I saw the assistant approaching towards me with the results in his hand. He said “positive hai” and I was like I woke up from a deep sleep or something, I smiled and asked “positive? Sach mein?” and I repeated the same at least three times just to believe what I just heard.

I know people may call me that I’m over exaggerating it, but trust me, it’s nothing like I have felt before.

I went alone by my scooty and fortunately my younger brother gave me company while returning home and shit I couldn’t buy a few cigs. But I decided not to think about it, let’s just try and live longer.

I came home and the real nightmare started in the night, the whole day was spent in vain, couldn’t sleep even for a minute despite I was hardly granted for one day leave. It was a roller coaster night, yesterday, 21 Jan 2022, I wished so many things but realized nothing will come true.

Jan. 23, 2022